I feel like he should be doing a Mr. Bean sketch.
For a long time, Bryan LaHair appeared to be a career AAAA player. Not quite good enough for the MLB, but too good for AAA. It turns out, everyone was wrong. LaHair wasn’t good enough for the MLB or AAA. But for one shining half-season in 2012, LaHair was good enough for the MLB, the Cubs, and the goddamn NATIONAL LEAGUE ALL-STAR TEAM. His loopy, lefty swing clubbed him onto the bench of the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.
LaHair has been around forever. The Seattle Mariners drafted him way back on June 4, 2002 in the 39th round of the amateur draft. LaHair debuted in low-A ball the next season. In parts of seven seasons, LaHair struck out a lot, but hit some home runs and drove in enough guys to finally get a look from the Mariners in 2008. He debuted on July 18, 2008 in an 8-2 Mariners win over the visiting Cleveland Indians. LaHair pinch hit in the bottom of the 8th and grounded into an inning-ending double play. That’s efficiency!
LaHair posted a putrid .250/.315/.346 slash line in 150 plate appearances in 2008, good for a 79 OPS+. Also good for getting a look from the Cubs. After LaHair spent all of 2009 in back in the minors and was granted free agency by the Mariners, the Cubs grabbed him. LaHair was a September call-up in 2011, making his debut on September 4. You don’t remember any of this, because the Cubs were awful, Mike Quade was managing, and you had given up on the team in May. LaHair had a nice debut. He went 2-4 with an RBI in a 6-3 Cubs win over the Pirates at Wrigley Field. Randy Wells got the win, and Sean Marshall earned the save. ALL OF THIS HAPPENED ONLY TWO YEARS AGO. Almost exactly, actually.
After LaHair put up a 140 OPS+ in 69 plate appearances in 2011, the Cubs were confident enough to let Carlos Pena walk and install LaHair as the everyday first baseman in 2012. That’s just last season. I’m blown away with how much the Cubs’ roster changed in such a brief time period. LaHair looked like he was going to reward the Cubs for their confidence in him. In the first half, LaHair hit 14 home runs and slugged .519 on his way to an All-Star appearance. He even got an at-bat in the All-Star Game, and grounded out to shortstop on one pitch from Fernando Rodney.
And then, the second half happened. LaHair hit only 2 home runs and posted a .202/.269/.303 line after the All-Star break. His OPS in the second half (.572) wasn’t all that much higher than his slugging percentage from the first half. LaHair’s awful late-season performance prompted the Cubs to call up Anthony Rizzo and make him the full-time first baseman on June 26th. LaHair was a man without a position. At least in the MLB. He played some outfield after Rizzo’s debut, but he wasn’t good enough to be a full-time starter in the outfield. Oh, and he couldn’t hit lefties. Like, at all. Even with his great first half, LaHair hit only .063/.167/.125 against lefties. That is amazing. He struck out 27 times in only 54 plate appearances vs. lefties. That’s half of the time, in case you’re not too great at math.
The last anyone saw of LaHair, he was playing first base for the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks in Japan. The Cubs actually got $950K for letting LaHair go to Japan. If that’s not the greatest win-win situation ever, I don’t know what is. In case you’re wondering (good lord, why would you?), LaHair has 16 home runs and 57 RBIs this year, with a .233/.311/.437 slash line.
Greatest Cub Moment: On April 24, 2012, Adam Wainwright and the St. Louis Cardinals were in Wrigley Field to take on Jeff Samardzija and the Cubs. It was a great pitchers’ duel. Wainwright gave up only 1 earned run in 6 innings while striking out 7 Cubs. Samardzija was scoreless through 6 2/3, striking out 9 Cardinals. Carlos Marmol blew a save when he served up a 2-run homer to Matt Holliday with two outs in the 8th. At least it set up LaHair for some Cardinal-killing heroics. Leading off the bottom of the 9th, LaHair hit a solo shot on the first pitch he saw against Marc Rzepczynski. The blast tied the game 2-2 and set up Alfonso Soriano for a walkoff single with two outs in the bottom of the 10th. LaHair was a nearly-perfect three-possible-outcomes player that day. He was 2-4 with a home run, two strikeouts, and an intentional walk. Any player that contributes to a walkoff win against the Cardinals is okay in my book.
Worst Moment as a Human: Travis Wood has been a bit of a hard-luck loser for much of his time with the Cubs. Not on July 17, 2012, though. The Miami Marlins were in town. As bad as that team was, they were good enough to hang 8 runs on Wood in 4 2/3 innings, including a grand slam by notorious Cub killer Carlos Lee. LaHair started in right field, and went 1-5 with three strikeouts (two looking) and an error.
